Marilyn told me I either had to write a recap for today’s I-Cubs outing or she would restrict me to two drink tickets at the holiday party. Dealing with this level of cruelty left me with no choice. Did the I-Cubs beat the Redbirds? Did a woman with a man’s voice try to force portable margaritas on me? Are Cubbie Dogs made out of real cubs? Read quickly – this recap is about to be called up to the majors.
Bottom of the First: I-Cubs 0 – Redbirds 0
• Between the first and second innings, some kids ran back and forth on the field. One of them lost. I’m not sure the other one actually won a prize. I can tell you he was like the white Wesley Snipes of kids who run around on baseball fields (except not in jail).
• Pert Plus is the official shampoo/conditioner of the Iowa Cubs. In related news, Franzia is the official boxed wine of the Media Department. (I heard them tell the beer vendor that while trying to get free drinks from him, so it must be true.)
• The Memphis Redbirds have a player named Shelby Miller. This is what you need to know about Shelby: he is not a woman and no one shouted “Drink the juice!” at him in Steel Magnolias.
Bottom of the Third: I-Cubs 0 – Redbirds 0
• By the fourth inning, there was a meat tossing event near the third baseline. Some say you can’t put a number on meat tossing, but I give it a 5.7. Lack. Luster.
• The t-shirt gun came around and a mannish woman was spotted swiping t-shirts from people. That kind of behavior doesn’t fly at Principal Park, miss! Or mister. Fellow citizen?
• A bag of chips ran faster than a Koolee while an enormous beef frank seemed indifferent. I’ve been recapping for over two years, and I can assure you, this is the most gratuitous display of indifference I’ve ever seen from an enormous hot dog.
Bottom of the Fifth: I-Cubs 0 – Redbirds 0
• Our own Greg Welch was called onto the field for three chances to throw a baseball through a tire. The tire won.
• The Jumbotron reminded us that those “Bills” commercials from Community Choice Credit Union are like skinny jeans: still terrible.
• During the middle of the sixth inning, the principals (plus Greg because they needed an even number of people and he already signed the release form) ran a relay. Greg, Jim and Lore started the race dressed as hamburgers from Hepatitis B-Bops. Greg left Jim and Lore in his dust and finished his leg of the race with a substantial lead. He made the curious choice of celebrating his annual review by not handing his hamburger costume off to Mike. Instead, he handed it off to John who started his leg of the race by running backwards until Nathan caught up to him. Mike made a valiant effort to catch up, but in the end Nathan and John crossed the finish line neck-and-neck. Like Jackie Joyner-Kersee always says, it doesn’t matter what brand of hamburger costume you run in, just as long as you’re the fastest.
• I-Cubs homerun! Two runs scored. Someone named Jeff Frazier did this. According to our records, he is not related to Kelsey Grammar.
Bottom of the Seventh: I-Cubs 2 – Redbirds 0
• Someone has to wear this pizza costume, with what Kasey correctly pointed out has cheese underpants.
Final Score: I-Cubs 2 – Redbirds 0