If Michael Phelps can go from getting fourth place in a race, and being labeled the PT Cruiser of swimming, to being celebrated as the most decorated Olympian of all time (according to The Soup, that makes Bruce Jenner the most redecorated), then your Strategic Americans can still turn this season around, right? Won’t you join me as we recount the shenanigans of last night’s game? It will be just like watching the Olympics, but you won’t have to tolerate all of the unsightly chub. Grab your top with the built-in, exterior bra, send up a prayer that Ryan Lochte discovers sit-ups and let’s recap this hussy!
Players in Attendance:
Jim, Rob “Iron Man,” Mike, Heath, Jessica, Bianca, Brianne and Kelsey (not Kelcey)
Let’s Break This Down:
• The first match was kind of like a letter to the editor. It was one-sided, borderline jibberish and made sense to about three people. Unfortunately, none of those people were on our team. As you may have assumed, we did not win the first match. Context clues!
• Jim came roaring onto the court this week with the kind of fighting spirit that betrays our increasingly gross win/loss record. He was in such high spirits, it was like he had never tried to use Success Factors. He also gave a rousing pep talk before match two that involved slapping only two people, which we are all grateful for.
• As the evening progressed, the team really started to gel. We communicated better on the court and learned to capitalize on each person’s strengths. For example, Kelsey used her serving strength last night to lead us to five unanswered points in the second match. She also dove into the sand after the ball like a volleyball cyborg. It was graceful, yet militant. Even the North Korean judge would have given her an 8.5.
• After being out last week, Bianca and Jessica were looking to make up for lost time. Both played defense like they were getting paid (paid in $5 gift cards for 1-800-CUT-A-B****). Bianca also suggested that when I hit the ball, I try to use more control. It was the best idea I’d heard since remaking The Facts of Life with Gabby Douglas as Tootie, Danell Leyva as Jo(e) Polniaczek and Bela Karolyi as Mr. Garrett.
•If you weren’t already aware of it, Rob is kind of great at volleyball. More headbutting this week, too – and it was still street. He helped lead the team to a decisive victory in match 3! Mike and Brianne were integral parts to that victory as well. Their efforts contributed to a nail-biter of a game. Just look at our fans. SO INTENSE.
Match One: SA 3, Other Team 15
Match Two: SA 8, Other Team 15
Match Three: SA 15, Other Team 9
Game Winner: Other Team
Current Record: 0 for 4
Two Things Overheard at the Game:
“I want 5 percent gross merchandising, where gross means income before expenses and not gross like apples on a sandwich.”
“Did you just gesture at me when you said, ‘Dress Barn?’”