Your Strategic American’s current losing streak has all the humor, fun and whimsy of a segment on “The View” during which they discuss gluten-free cake and the dangers of being known as “that idiot from The View.” We went into last night’s game hoping that we’d be playing some old people. We can totally beat old people! We can do it all the different ways. The team we played last night was called, “Son of a Beach.” Well they need to consider changing their name to “Beach’s Grandpa” because we spanked them. Elder abuse in the hizzy! This kid is the embodiment of all our feelings last night. I’ve got other things to say about this! See below.
• The first game was a lot like our monthly update – it was all SA. Well, it started out all SA. We were up 9 to 1, or something like that, and then they scored a bunch of points until it was a much closer game. This game had everything: Jerry spiked the ball, Michelle tried to not get dirty and she failed, Bianca and Andy wore bro tank tops. It was a volleyball salad, if you will. Vinaigrette for everybody! In the end, we beat them 16 to 14 because of salad and greatness and spirit of Karch Kiraly.
• The second game started off as a pretty major disappointment – it was the Sex and the City 2 of my Thursday. Your Strategic Americans found themselves down 12 to 3. Can you believe it? Of course you can’t. You love us! Well, it’s true. Sorry. BUT (and that’s a “but” of Sir Mix-A-Lot via Brian Williams proportions), we came back to snatch the win! They were so pissed you guys. I thought one of the guys on the other team caught one in the beans, but it turns out he was just mad that they blew a 9 point lead. Don’t worry dude – it happens to us all the time and we’re the happiest bunch of a**holes this side of the nuthouse. We won this game 16 to 14 as well. We play to 15, but you always have to win by two points because this isn’t the World Cup – THERE ARE RULES.
• It should also be pointed out that one of the women on the other team was pregnant. Normally, that probably wouldn’t be that big of a deal, but I know that 65% of the people reading this are currently with child so I thought I should bring it up. You should know that we showed her no mercy, just like anyone else who had turned herself into a Super 8 for a baby. That hamburger don’t need no helper, as they say. I think I’ve reached the point where I’m no longer qualified to discuss this.
Takeaway Quote of the Week
“I bet parents get annoyed when their kids ask ‘are we there yet?’ when they’re fully aware they now live in a car.”