It was an exceptionally classy affair on the volleyball court this week as your Strategic Americans took to the sand to play a team that refers to themselves as, “Bumpin’ Uglies.” They are not to be confused with our former rivals from the first half of the season that went by the curiously punctuate moniker, “Slap ‘in Balls.” It’s the Volleyball Thunderdome for the Refined Sophisticate! Two teams enter. One team leaves. Blood stains on your cufflinks are inevitable. Recap is imminent!
• Last night’s game was like a trip to the Pacific Northwest with Olivia Newton-John: cool, damp and Sandy. We played another team full of young people because why not, we don’t love to take advantage of people’s advanced age to win volleyball games or anything. We will never be the phone scam of the recreational volleyball world at this rate. They showed up with two kids and one of those kids is what is generally considered a baby. And let me tell you, girlfriend was causing a ruckus during the first game. I think she was voicing her disapproval of their team name. Or maybe she’d soiled herself. I think she must completely lose control of her body when someone introduces a double entendre.
• As you may have deduced, we lost the first game. We lost it pretty hardcore, too: 15 to 3. They very clearly beat us, but it took them nearly 30 minutes to do it. So while it was kind of a spanking, it was kind of not because we held our ground, defense-wise. We held/clenched that ground like it was a string of pearls during a Cinemax Free Preview weekend.
• By the second game, we knew what we had to do. Then we decided we’d only do some of that. The score of the second game was a lot closer at 15 to 10. Over the course of the second game, a total of four people, from both teams, completely whiffed the ball. Michelle and myself were the two people on our team. “Friendly Enough Lady in a Blue Shirt” and “Undermedicated Ding Dong in Tight Pants” were the two people on the other team. UDDITP, as her friends call her, turned up the spaz to 11 by the end of the night. I thought I was going to have to give her a pill hidden in a piece of cheese to calm her down (This is why I carry emergency cheese). We played a third game for kicks and ended up winning that one. I think they weren’t trying as hard by then but, “Tough tacos,” I always say. I also sometimes say, “Here’s the emergency cheese!”
Takeaway Quote of the Week
“Everything you see I owe to spaghetti.”