Local commercials are wonderful. Sometimes they’re wonderful for the right reasons and sometimes they’re wonderful for other reasons, but they always fill my heart with joy. I also believe that they reduce wrinkles, but my associates at Cindy Crawford’s Meaningful Beauty Research Labs have been unable to find any scientific evidence to support this claim. This is probably because models are terrible scientists. But, back to my point – local commercials are treasures.
We have a particular treasure here in central Iowa that is always the highlight of any commercial block. It’s the Eye Mart Optical Outlet commercial. If you live in the Des Moines area, I’m sure you’ve seen it. The song should be given at least 30 awards for being catchy, bizarre and soothing – all while showing you that if you have enough dirt on people, you can get them to do whatever you want (cause I can’t allow myself to believe that these folks are dancing like this for only a paycheck).
[youtube WqAxvJStm1Y Eye Mart Optical Outlet]
IT IS WHY “IOWA” STARTS WITH AN “I”!
An extra bonus of local commercials is the fact that they produce local celebrities. This isn’t Los Angeles. You’re not going to see Candice Bergen and Harrison Ford sharing a two piece and a biscuit over at Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles. We have to rely on lower-wattage luminaries here.
Here’s where all this comes together. I saw Eye Mart Optical Outlet Guy at the gym yesterday. I KNOW. It was pretty intense. If you’re wondering, he looks very similar in real life. He was also wearing glasses. He’s not partially-visually-impaired-for-pay! Thank you for treating my faith and trust with a gentle and nourishing touch, Eye Mart Optical Outlet Guy.
I’ve also seen other local celebrities during my exercising times. It’s probably the main reason that I do any exercise at all. If I never saw these people, I would just eat my feelings while wrapped in two Snuggies that had to be sewn together to cover my girth.
Anyway, feast your eyes on these beautiful people. If we don’t stare at local commercial/other kinds of celebrities in public, how will they know they’re doing their jobs well? They won’t. STARE YOUR BRAINS OUT. It’s for the greater good.
Des Moines Register Arts Reporter, Cultural Touchstone
-Seen at Fitness World West. Kept offering to help people. Lots of posing.
WHOTV 13 Morning News Anchor, Shenanigans Enthusiast
-Also seen at Fitness World West. Ran at his own pace. Didn’t seem interested in any viewer feedback right then.
KCCI 8 Evening News Anchor, He’s Never Even Seen You Before
-Seen walking on Country Club Blvd. Was trying to disguise himself so fans wouldn’t bother him. Nobody was around.
Shawn Johnson’s Mom
Retired Gymnast Parent, Straight Shooter
-We were both driving by Aspen Athletic Club. She didn’t use a turning signal. This isn’t nudist camp! There are rules. I wonder if she has a name.
Mayor of Des Moines, Drum Circle Leader, Honorary Hippie
-Seen at Gray’s Lake. Kept his top on the whole time.