Cyber Monday


It’s Cyber Monday (or maybe another day if you’re reading this later in the week – I don’t presume to know your ad agency wise-acre blog reading schedule)! Normally, we trust our readers to find their own deals on the interwebs, but we found some bargains that we just could not keep to ourselves. You probably won’t find most of these items on traditional wish lists, but as advertisers, we feel that it is our duty to keep telling you about the things you need before you even realize you need them. We love you too!

Black Xmas TreeDo you know a Goth who loves this time of year? Then this black, artificial Christmas tree is the perfect gift. (Don’t let that description confuse you – this is a black, artificial Christmas tree, not an artificial black Christmas tree. The black part is 100% authentic!) It’s only 4.5’ tall, so it will fit into any dreary and sad space that they’re living in. It is also available in 6’, in case they want another foot and a half of this thing to mope around. The product information says it’s made of iron, PVC and plastic so it’s sure to withstand the rough and tumble lifestyle of any goth toddlers or goth pets that may be in the home. It’s 50% off for a limited time!

 

ZorbNo one can have enough Zorb! I take that back. I don’t have any Zorb and I think that’s plenty for me. Legend has it that Zorb is a powder that you sprinkle on your carpet before vacuuming. The powder behaves like millions of microscopic sponges and soaks up dirt particles. Then you vacuum up the microscopic sponges which contain all the dirt. I guess this is for vacuums that are created specifically for sucking up microscopic sponges instead of dirt. This product may be used safely with all Dyson vacuums. If you try to use it with a Hoover, sh** is gonna go down! I don’t know why this product is a Cyber Monday special. Even your cleaning lady would give you the side-eye if you tried to pass this off as a gift. They should sell it with a surveillance camera so you can watch her use your toothbrush to clean the toilet after she unwraps this gift. It’s only 10% off for today. Even the price knows it’s a bad gift.

 

HopIf you want to look like you don’t know what you’re doing, this is the gift for you. Nothing says, “Huh?” like buying your nieces or nephews an Easter movie for Christmas. You’re commercializing the completely wrong part of Jesus’s life! Plus, this movie looks pretty bad. I don’t know what that rabbit is going to do with those drumsticks. Do you think he’s going to beat that baby chicken? I hope not (“hope” is probably a strong word). Regularly, they expect people to pay $29.98 for this, but it’s Cyber Monday special price is only $11.99. You guys! Don’t.

 

Grill CoverHaving a hard time figuring out how to tell someone you don’t like them? Then this is the Cyber Monday deal for you. For only $17.99, you can give someone in your life a grill cover and never have to hear from them again. Also, it’s in a nice beige color so it won’t seem particularly aggressive to others. An orange grill cover will just come off as mean. If this doesn’t work, a gift certificate to Cracker Barrel should do the trick.

 

TVNow this is what I’m talking about. This is a Cyber Monday deal! This is a 46”, 1080P, 60Hz, LCD, HDTV from Westinghouse. It’s normally $579.99 and it’s on sale for the low, low price of $379.99. That Easter movie would probably even look good on this set. I could fire up the yule log on this, maybe give A Charlie Brown Christmas a spin afterwards. Look – there’s some more information over to the side there. Let’s see what that says.

UnavailableOr course. But, that’s the beauty of Cyber Monday. I didn’t end up with a TV, but I was not almost licked by a stranger either. I call that a win for me.

Happy shopping. May a force of some kind be with you.


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