Our new wellness program was introduced yesterday to a great deal of fanfare and a disappointing amount of confetti. I should point out that we’ve had a wellness program for quite a while, but now we have a new one. The difference between our old program and this new one is that the new one includes new resources for leading a healthy life and bigger rewards (being healthy with a little extra cash is bigger than just being healthy, right?). After reviewing the comprehensive program description, we can now present to you 5 Things You Didn’t Know About SA – Wellness Edition:
1. We see no reason why you can’t learn about prostate health during the lunch hour.
2. According to the point system for our new Associate Wellness Reimbursement plan, dental exams are of equal value to colonoscopies. Area colons disagree.
3. Participation in a support group for chemical dependency is worth 20 points. In related news, I now perform freelance interventions.
4. A representative from Mercy Hospital used the term “waist girth” while discussing wellness with us yesterday. I found that aggressive.
5. Therapeutic massage is rewarded with points in our Associate Wellness Reimbursement plan, but sensual massage is not. The office sensuals are bummed that the mood has been ruined.
We at Our Couch have also started working on a list of things that we’d like to see included on the points menu, but currently are not. If you have any additions to the list, please let us know. We’ll pretty much submit anything short of reimbursement for your Dairy Queen Blizzard of the Month Club membership.
- Sit And Be Fit VHS and DVD purchase – 10 points
- Had a new weave installed – 10 points
- Sausage fingers prevention screening – 5 points
- Muffin top-camouflaging shirts – 5 points
- Not wearing spandex to the gym – 5 points
- Designing a home lighting scheme that hides your many, many flaws – 5 points
- Chasing kids off your lawn – 2 points
- Kicking your crippling addiction to mentioning that you’re the busiest person ever – 5 points
- Getting your recreational pill intake down to less than 12 per day – 5 points
- Keeping your top on through the entire workday – 2 points
- Using the phrase, “I shouldn’t have to do this,” to describe perfectly acceptable job activities that you just don’t feel like doing, no more than once a day – 5 points
- Not referring to Ted Nugent as a reliable political resource – 2 points