The Couch is going to try something new this year. We’re going to attempt to live tape delay blog the Super Bowl. Is this going to work out? Who knows? If you’re reading this, then it probably wasn’t that big of a disaster. I should point out now that this is going to be 70% about the commercials, 20% about the National Anthem and the Halftime show and about 10% about the game. I like a man in tight pants as much as you do, but there’s only so much I can say about that in a family blog such as this. I also want to say that I was busy making soup earlier, so I didn’t research any facts. Let’s keep our fingers crossed on that one. I hope I don’t get in trouble for using the term “Super Bowl.” I feel like I would be disappointing me reader(s) if I continually referred to it as the “big game.” Take that, the man!
I should warn you that this is insanely long. It might be best to read it in small doses.
-The Baltimore Ravens have won the Super Bowl once.
-The San Francisco 49ers have won the Super Bowl five times.
-This is the 18th time that the Super Bowl has aired on CBS.
Did you know: the Super Bowl has never aired on a Tuesday. This might be a lie.
The coaches are brothers! Is that even legal?
I kind of want to see the two quarterbacks hug while wearing tank tops. Is that wrong?
The CBS graphics budget must be huge. I mean like Star Jones-hair-system huge.
Ray Lewis has such a story to tell. He got into all sorts of trouble back in the day and then he struck a plea bargain. It’s nice to know our sports heroes can find time to have a personal life too.
The Ravens have male cheerleaders/flag runners. I wonder what kind of benefits that job has.
OH MY GOD. They played “California Love” by Tupac and Dr. Dre when the 49ers came out. I officially want them to win now. That song just made them 82% cooler.
I have never won the Walter Peyton Man of the Year Award, but I came in second place for Best Dressed when I was a senior in high school.
Jennifer Hudson and the chorus from Sandy Hook Elementary sang “America the Beautiful.” Keep being awesome, kids. Do not feel like you need to apologize to Jennifer Hudson for stealing the show from her.
The sign language interpreter is a gem. Alicia Keys’ exceptionally jazzy interpretation of the National Anthem is really throwing people for a loop. It kept almost ending and then there would be more vocal shenanigans. Should there have been a bass player involved? Yep.
Larry Allen threw gang signs during the coin toss! That ref sounded like he was on the biggest speaker phone in history.
The Flaming Lips are in a Hyundai commercial! That makes me a little sad for them.
The announcer says that the players should try and not make mistakes. The more you know, I guess.
The 49ers quarterback is only 25? He has made some really impressive progress in the area of bad tattoos in a short amount of time.
“The 49ers pants remind me of Leslie Hall.” Michael Morain, noted art critic.
Baltimore scores the first touchdown of the game. I have officially broken my record for the longest amount of time I’ve continually watched the Super Bowl. My dad is pretty proud.
Sexy models and beer. I have never seen that before, especially not during a Super Bowl commercial. Kudos, Budweiser!
The M&M’s are dating Santana from Glee!
I should have driven an Audi to prom instead of taking a girl. What was I thinking?
The commercial with the kid wrestling the bear was pretty great. HYUNDAI!
GoDaddy.com continues its streak of stupid and disgusting commercials. Congratulations, sickos. I have to go brush my teeth.
Doritos is telling me that I eat like a goat. And that I react like a goat when people take my Doritos.
The only thing good about that Pepsi Next commercial was the unicorn. That, and it was over quickly so we could get to Amy Poehler in the Best Buy spot.
The Best Buy ad was a good example of casting the right person. Most anyone besides Amy Poehler would have kept that commercial totally average. Lucky for us, Amy Poehler is magical.
More people who clearly don’t drink Budweiser. They’re exhausting.
I liked it today, but I’m pretty sure I’m going to be sick of that Oz the Great and Powerful commercial by the time the movie comes out.
The security camera Coke commercial was infinitely better than the Pepsi Next commercial from earlier, despite the fact that there wasn’t a unicorn in sight.
The Oreo commercial was pretty clever. Also, it embodied an argument I have had before. It’s why people tell me I engage in the most ridiculous arguments of anyone they know. Thank you.
Football is still happening. I find the game interesting enough, but I won’t tell you what I’m thinking because I’m thinking about cheese sticks.
They made another Fast and the Furious movie. I hope you’re happy, people who go and see Fast and the Furious movies.
The only redeeming quality of the Toyota Rav 4 commercial was its inclusion of the song “I Wish” by Skee Lo.
Doritos are good. I’m not sure they’re cross dressing good, but they’re good.
Calvin Klein Concept underwear? I’m not sure what just happened, but I feel good about it.
Like they promised, the Cars.com spot certainly didn’t have any drama. Or anything else of interest either.
All these Baltimore touchdowns are really making me wish they had come out to “California Love.” I mean, some of them must have been to California at some point.
Taking socks and hair from a football team’s locker room is kind of creepy, Bud Light. It’s nice to see that Stevie Wonder is still working.
Everyone is a stereotype, Godaddy.com! Gross.
I wonder what Beyoncé is doing right now. Probably not eating egg rolls, like me.
Star Trek! More Spock next time, please.
Why is the Rock living with three young girls? Milk is not the answer.
Hyundai really made butts fun again.
The Volkswagen Jamaican-accent thing was kind of fun. Let’s make “the land of ten tousand lakes” a thing! Unless some idiots decide this is racist, which has undoubtedly happened.
I don’t think it’s too early to say that the worst commercials are the ones for the CBS shows.
Is it OK that I don’t care who won the Coke chase? If I have to choose, I want it to be a showgirl on a camel.
Jared from Subway hasn’t been a fatty for 15 years. So there’s that.
Two minute warning!
Senior citizen shenanigans are certainly on par with Taco Bell’s cool factor. Extra points for using the Spanish version of “We Are Young.” Scratch that, they get their only points for using the Spanish version of “We Are Young.”
I did not know that Skechers was still a Super Bowl-level brand. Touché, me.
Baltimore scores again. Looking good, Joe Flacco.
“It’s the all new Lincoln, MKZ,” said the voiceover as they show the silhouette of Abe Lincoln. That probably wasn’t as funny as I thought it was.
The NFL spot that shows the evolution of the uniforms and equipment over the years is cool. Not ironically, it was a spot for NFLEvolution.com.
Redd’s Apple Ale. Lame.
Tanks of Thanks, Cenex! That reminded me of the VW commercial from earlier.
Redd’s Apple Ale. Still lame.
I feel you, Beyoncé.
The Jeep spot for the troops was kind of perfect. It never occurred to me during the commercial that they were a company that sells vehicles. Hats off, Jeep.
If someone left a box of football players in my driveway, I would lose my s**t.
That Community Choice Credit Union spot certainly had the same level of production values as anything else we’ve seen today.
U.S. Cellular should give Joan Cusack a call. I miss her.
Baltimore scores again.
Why did they turn the lights out? At least it got the announcers to shut it.
Century 21 is doing a lot with an iffy concept. Good for them.
Blackberry had a nice spot, but I don’t think anyone is going to be giving up their iPhone because of it.
The E-Trade talking baby is not something people enjoy anymore. There. I said it.
Half the power is out! They showed an instant replay of half the lights going out. That’s the best instant replay ever.
Subway is still around.
More voodoo Stevie Wonder. Zoe Saldana cursed a chair. To sell beer. Maybe?
Power is still half out.
The game started again. Like the players, I spent the last 34 minutes stretching.
Now they’re repeating commercials. Why is Kevin from “The Office” selling sandwiches for Subway?
Chair cursing for Budweiser, again.
The Axe Apollo commercial was a big step up for them. It still had bouncing breasts in it, but it made sense in context.
Tracy Morgan is advertising a sports drink? That may be a rhetorical question.
The Kia ad where there robot car model beats up the guy for kicking the tires made me miss their dancing hamsters.
The Gildan “favorite t-shirt” ad was pretty clever, even while promoting one night stands. Extra marks for excellent use of a cat.
“Gangnam Style for Pistachios really has its finger on the pulse of pop culture,” said last October.
How do people watch entire football games at once? This is exhausting. I feel like Beyoncé finished up 12 hours ago.
The 49ers score another touchdown!
The Lincoln ad about tweeting for Jimmy Fallon didn’t have anything to do with Jimmy Fallon or tweeting.
Speed Stick would do well to remind its customers that no matter what she looks like, it’s a good idea to not pick up a woman’s panties at the laundromat.
Beck’s Sapphire with the fish singing, “No Diggity,” was a thousand times more awesome than it had any right to be.
A baby horse! “Landslide,” by Fleetwood Mac! Damn you for making me think you have feelings, Budweiser!
The whole commercial break at the end of the third quarter wasn’t worth mentioning. An old Jimmy John’s commercial and Kaplan University is not so much the Super Bowl as it is The Maury Povich Show.
“God made a farmer,” said Paul Harvey. That’s how you make a commercial that people will remember…until you find out it for Dodge Ram trucks and then it makes you feel dirty for getting invested.
The Kia spot about where babies come from was cute. It should have been on earlier in the game. I feel like it would be easier to explain to your kids where babies come from than it would be to explain why you bought a Kia.
The game is still happening.
The Miracle Montana stain spot for Tide was topical and well executed. Fine work, Tide.
Go away, Soda Stream.
Willem Dafoe really makes a convincing Satan. I thought that even before Mercedes Benz put him in their commercial.
Paul Rudd and Seth Rogen are wonderful. Samsung I feel less good about. Overall, the commercial was good except for Lebron James because I only know him from that time he was rude to all of Ohio.
There you have it – the Ravens win! To celebrate, I think Joe Flacco just dropped the f-bomb on live TV.
I think it will take someone as long to read this encyclopedic commercial recap as it took to finish the game. It must be Wednesday by now!
To sum things up: Coke clearly beat Pepsi this year, Budweiser fell pretty flat for anything outside of its Clydesdale brand, Godaddy.com was as terrible as ever and Best Buy should write one hundred more checks to Amy Poehler because she was solely responsible for making that commercial work. I feel like I’ve had three birthdays since this game started. I’m going to go turn half of the lights out and blame a power surge. I should also mention that I feel like it’s three in the morning.