Holiday TV Commercials: At Least They’re Not Political Ads

As you may have heard, Christmas is just three weeks away. That means we’re at the height of the holiday shopping season and all the holiday-themed TV commercials that come with it. I’ve rounded up some of those commercials that stuck out to me for a variety of reasons, and have awarded each with a lump of coal or a mistletoe. I should take this time to point out that I will not make out with you. I should also point out that I’m not sure if there is such a thing as “a” mistletoe. Is mistletoe sold in bunches? Gobs? Bushels? Christmas is hard.

Honda Days Little Sister (Part 1 of 1 in the Happy Honda Days Double Feature)[youtube q5ZDb8BLo58 Honda Days Little Sister]
If I ever develop my own line of cars (that I’ll probably call “Habit” after Stephen Covey, may he rest in peace), remind me not to make the primary character in the TV commercial unappealing to everyone except for people who act like him or her. This preteen is five kinds of not cool. I should point out that the other teens aren’t really my cup of tea either, but at least they took the time to brush their hair. If I was the older sister, I think I’d go back to my Buick LeSabre before I’d drive around the reincarnation of Roz from 9 to 5. Also, where are their parents? They’re probably trapped in an Abercrombie and Fitch, trying to buy these two $95 sweatpants. IN THIS ECONOMY.  Rating: half a coal.

Honda Days Moms (Part 2 of 2 in the Happy Honda Days Double Feature)
[youtube HmQKsHzkpa0 Honda Days Moms]
I would like to party with these women. I mean, I’d have to come up with some other stuff to do besides head-banging in a minivan, but I’m sure I could. They seem like they’d be a breath of fresh air in this post-Sex and the City world of women drinking in public. I would have had a cow if a kid would have thrown pink pudding in my car, whether it was new or not. He’d be on the business end of a side-eye for sure. Also, if you know the words to “Christmas in Hollis,” then I want to be with you (not like that). Rating: two mistletoes.

Kohl’s Christmas Tree Explosion
[youtube 4N3neLhUI40 Kohl’s Christmas]
Holy-away-in-a-manger, those Christmas trees were ugly. I wonder how these people know each other. Maybe they met at Awkward Body Language camp. I went there once and it was very freeing. I had nowhere to put my hands and everyone understood! Before seeing this spot, I was unaware that gingers celebrated holidays. Consider me educated. As far as getting me to go to Kohl’s, this ad did not succeed. I can’t shop while all of that full body laughing is going on. I prefer stores where people haven’t laughed in ages, like Bath and Body Works. Remind me to send them a note to cheer them up when their seasonal affective disorder kicks in on January 3. And just between you and me, the street value of Kohl’s cash in Ankeny is twice what is in Des Moines. You know what they say, you’re in Ankeny – act like it. Rating: half a mistletoe, but only because it’s Christmas.

Zales Christmas Miracle
[youtube 91XWdOq1lDI Zales Christmas Miracle]
How are these dudes hiding these giant jewelry boxes from their ladies? These women obviously know what’s going on and have chosen to act like they don’t. I will say that I don’t think the woman who was nearly comatose in the snow knew what was going on. She was probably just trying to get away from her captor and was unable to escape before he proposed and she lost feeling in her limbs. A certain portion of the population probably finds that very romantic. Those two knuckleheads who decided to get married in the middle of the street should probably just move it on over to the sidewalk. I don’t think giving or accepting a proposal is any reason to jaywalk or loiter, whatever you want to call it. I’m not going to wet my pants in traffic for you two! Rating: one mistletoe.

Zales. Canada!
[youtube yw3XguAR8hI Zales Canada]
Well, well, well. If it isn’t our friends from the street. Has anyone asked that lady if she’s on pills? Because she’s not wearing a coat and she’s a) in Canada, and b) it’s snowing and windy out. says that there are three days a year that you can go outside without a coat in Canada and they’re all in August. IT’S NOT AUGUST. That lady on the tundra doesn’t look like she wants any of what that guy is offering up. She could run for days and not get somewhere where the ground isn’t covered in two feet of snow. Good luck, friend. And, needless to say, Zales is called Peoples Jewellers in Canada. Why do they have to act like we don’t speak the same language? You can blame “French Canadian” all you want, but we both know that’s as real as the metric system. Rating: it would have been one mistletoe, but I had to deduct a mistletoe because they think I don’t speak English. I’ll give you a candy cane from last year instead.

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