We Can Do Better

I want to start by clearing up any confusion that the title of this blog post may create. I am not Bill Cosby and what I’ll be talking about should not be taken as a call-to-arms for people to change their behavior. I think you’re a glorious disaster and I love you for it.

We, and by “we” I mean Strategic America and its ruggedly handsome ladies and gentlemen, could have done a better job on the ads that are featured below. In fairness, a box of hair could have done better on some of these. I can confidently tell you that if you put us up against a box of hair, we’ll come out the winner any day of the week.

MolsonMolson Beer
Who are they trying to sell this beer to? Children? Those Canadians! One can only assume that the legal drinking age in Canada is 8. No wonder they’re so easy going. I’ve always been one who is taken aback by monotone color schemes. I just feel like if you’re going to wear a onesie, wear a onesie. Don’t put on a bunch of different pieces of clothing if passersby are going to assume its all one garment. The same goes for ads and puppies and such. I can’t tell where the puppies end and his flesh-colored beard begins. I can tell that those dogs are heavily depressed. Probably because they know that no one can see them. A new sweater, happy dogs and a model who doesn’t look like you just asked him a really hard math question would do wonders for this ad. I’m not even an art director!

Australia PostAustralia Post
The tagline reads, “If you really want to touch someone, send them a letter,” but the image says, “If you really want to touch someone, camouflage yourself and them molest them when they least expect it.” Well, that lady seems to be fine with it, so who am I to complain? I feel that getting perverse with someone can be easily accomplished via email or social media, but Australia post says it doesn’t count unless Forensics can find one of your hairs in the envelope. I was trying to figure out what book Mr. Hands was disguised as, but I can’t tell. My first thought was obviously “Dianetics,” by L. Ron Hubbard because Nicole Kidman is Australian and she was once married to Tom Cruise. Upon further inspection, I hypothesized that it was the screenplay to Crocodile Dundee, but I finally determined that it was the recipe for Vegemite because this is the kind of behavior that eating Vegemite leads to and I decided to stop it with this. One time we did an ad that included a photo of a guy and the way the image was placed made him look nude from the waist down. We fixed that before it went out. We would have fixed this too.

Fat DavidDeutscher Olympischer SportBund
This bums me out. I just… ugh. The DOSB, as I like to call them, website is in German so I don’t really know what they’re about. I assume that they’re telling people that they should maintain a healthy exercise schedule. You’ll be terrified to know that this won an award, but the award was from a website called CreativeAdAwards.com. I feel like that website maybe gives awards to whoever would like to pay for them. I’m going to submit a picture of my new socks and see what kind of trophy they send me. I’ll keep you posted. Also, they did this to Abe Lincoln too. You Germans are so gross. At SA, if we needed an image of a fat POTUS, we’d use a picture of one of the presidents who was actually fat. Because we adore facts!

[youtube 62xreSr25uI The Hammer]

Lowell Stanley, The Hammer
Lowell Stanley is very aggressive. Or at least the b-roll that he stands in front of is. I wonder how much money he got for the driver of that Red Corvette. I’m going to say at least $5,000. I bet that guy had it made in the shade for WEEKS. I don’t know exactly when this ad was made, but it had to have been after this, right? Sir, I served with Hammer. I knew Hammer. Hammer was a friend of mine. Sir, you’re no Hammer. I will give you this, insurance companies are the nail. Or would it be nails? Either way. I could have sworn he was from Florida, but his website says he practices in Virginia. His website also has some clip art of a cordless phone from 1999, which I find oddly charming. So to recap, we could have shot a better commercial for him and done a better website. We’ve got the latest phone clip art! Call us!

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