I Don’t Want to be President.

I feel like “Vote!” would have been more fun.

Since the Iowa Caucuses have wrapped up (I swear we’ll have all the counting figured out by 2016, promise!), I was hoping I wouldn’t have to hear anything else about the presidential election until September or October. Unfortunately for me, just because there are no more political ads running in Iowa, that doesn’t mean that the news won’t be consistently covering all the goings-on of all the remaining candidates. Also, I was probably hugely dumb for thinking it would go away. It didn’t happen with my extra nipple and it’s not going to happen with this election.

I feel like I can’t ignore all of the news for the next nine and a half months, so I need to come up with a way to avoid, say…85% of the coverage of the presidential election until then. I feel like that’s fair. I can hold on to what little sanity I have left and I’ll know 15% of what’s going on in all of the presidential campaigns (which makes me as informed as your average blog commenter – ZING!). However, since I work in advertising I can’t completely avoid the news and commercials. I need to keep abreast of the latest trends so I can see how they’re pushing new TV shows, which products are blowing up with the tweens and what’s the next step in the Snuggie/Slanket/Forever Lazy evolution.

Here goes – this is how I’m going to distract myself from the presidential election coverage and still remain an informed citizen.

  1. Only read the “Your 2 Cents Worth” column in The Des Moines Register.
  2. Take a shot every time there’s another debate scheduled. At best, I’ll have a vague recollection of the entire spring season.
  3. Restrict all TV viewing to Telemundo and the local Fox affiliate.
  4. Mute any TV commercial that includes people from different political parties smiling together or an explanation of who paid for the ad.
  5. Avoid all publications except for “fiftysomething.”
  6. Upon hearing anyone engaging in a political discussion, start shouting internet usernames that I have retired from using. Tacoknees! Truvies.West! NoMeGustaThis! TaylorHicks!
  7. Only listen to political news filtered through my mother, a woman who does not how to pronounce the Vice President’s last name.
  8. Watch the news without sound and make up dialogue for any presidential candidates on TV. I feel like they’ll say, “What a fun and sexy time for me!” a lot.
  9. Compulsively direct people’s attention toward the Gerald Ford tattoo on my left thigh.
  10. Take advantage of my scholarship to carnie school and embrace their strict policy of ignoring anything that happened after 1992.


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