Thanksgiving: I’m Thankful for Special Circumstances

They're still working on Native American decorations that don't make anyone uncomfortable.
They’re still working on Native American decorations that don’t make anyone uncomfortable.

With Halloween behind us, it’s time to turn our attention to the next big holiday. To be more specific, I’m talking about the next big holiday that revolves around overeating. If you’re having trouble fitting into your pants now, just wait for Thanksgiving in three weeks. After you’re dressed to leave the house, you’ll be legally incapable of circulating blood below your waist. FYI, that’s how Sandy Duncan died (unless I’m thinking of someone else).

Our annual Thanksgiving tradition at SA is to start asking if we can leave early on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving on the Friday before the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Our other annual tradition is to hold an enormous potluck lunch event that is as delicious as it is gluttonous. This year’s potluck is on Monday, November 14. (Keep an eye out for a rehash of the event soon after.) We wanted to have it early enough that we’d be able to forget the shame of overeating by the time the actual Thanksgiving holiday arrives. To be fair, we could probably have it the morning of Thanksgiving and most of us would be able to recover from the turkey-sweats by the time Grandma’s mashed potatoes hit the table, but our office is closed that day, so we have to make do with 11/14.

One of the more oddly entertaining parts of our annual potluck is the list of suggestions/complaints that people have every year. Because really, no event in a warm room full of free food that you’re getting paid to eat would be complete without someone pointing out that it’s not meeting their very specific dietary/social/digestive needs.

Listed here are my personal favorite conditions that people have asked to be considered in preparing the SA Thanksgiving potluck:

Food allergies
Muffin top
Aversion to sausage
Drop arm
Too many carbs
Not enough carbs
More pies
Less pies
Rescheduling to a less food-heavy quarter
Cap’n Crunch mouth
Leaky eye
Girdle malfunction
Parole hearing
Slender throat canal
Sensitive gums
More vegan options
Forgot eating pants at home

What new afflictions will this year’s potluck shine the spotlight on? Only time will tell. I can kind of guarantee that someone will end up taking a nap in a toilet stall some time during the afternoon following the potluck. Outside of that, it’s anyone’s guess. Maybe we should have a drawing that people can enter to guess who will doze off first. We could donate the money we raise to slender throat canal research, even though Slender Throat Canal Research Month isn’t until April. Keep an eye out for a press release on that!


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